Of all the ways that I could screw everything up I had to
pick a demon to be my wet maid that has sucked the soul and heart out of
stronger men than me. I have succumbed
to the only power that has had the ability to be my friend and savior, (ha, yeah, right) at the
same time being my curse and the cause of my demise. Alcohol.
I am an alcoholic. Even
now, I am thinking about my next drink and when I’ll have the strength to end
it. “End it”… I am not sure what I mean
by that. Do I want to find a way to
become sober? Am I trying to drink
myself to death? The love of my life has
left me and I know it is because of the drink, my fault. When we first started dating she did not
drink, I did. I think over the years it
became too much for her and she succumbed to the same horror I allowed myself
to live. At first we’d just have one or
two together. Then we drank more, and
more. Over the years it has become a
curse. Where’s my drink? I’ve cried out for help but only deaf ears
are listening. On the other hand, have I
really cried out to anybody?
I am sitting here in the house I used to share with the most
wonderful person I have ever met. I’m surrounded
by wonderful memories of a happy life. I
am sitting in the room where my wife spent most of every day, her office. Well, we never really made it her office, I
suppose; we just put her computer on the desk.
I could have removed the bed, set up a TV, wired for Internet, tidied up
the wiring, etc., etc. I wish I did more
for her. Why do I sit in this room? Because this is where, I think, my wife died. And this is where I feel her the most. Day after day she sat here listening to some
of the vilest people in the world, the down trodden and desperate folks that
are trying to navigate the insane world of health coverage. My wife used to be the most caring and
considerate woman I have ever met. Maybe
if I could have been here for my beautiful, caring wife, and supported her the
way I should have I would not be sitting here crying, alone. I don’t think I truly understood the pain I
was causing my wife. I don’t think I
truly understood how I was destroying everything I loved.
I’ve found odd things that she has hung on to over the years that I have
forgotten ever were. There are decorations from
our wedding. There are pictures I didn’t
know she kept and framed and put on her desk.
There is so much I have not seen.
So much I have neglected to notice.
We used to be happy; there is no doubt about that. I have memories that must be true. I remember laughing and talking and having
fun and loving each other. I remember
times spent in each other’s arms, times doing simple things like grocery
shopping, curled up on the couch watching a movie, making love… We have almost made it three years. Oh, we’ve been together for much longer,
about 10 years.
If I could have just been strong enough to give up drinking
I may still be happy today. Instead, I am
completely, and utterly lost. I have no
friends and feel too guilty to talk to family, not that family has time for me. I will try to gather my thoughts and leave
them here to be read. I fully expect to
be judged, I’ve judged myself more harshly than anyone else can.
